Jenny Hintze

"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams." – Willy Wonka

Evan’s journal August 5, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — jhintze @ 12:07 am
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I almost feel that I no longer have the right to talk about Evan and the other three babies we lost. I sometimes feel that I should be “over” that. Over him. Over them. That my life now is complete and shouldn’t require reminiscing about the past. That it’s a sign of weakness. Something this evening prompted me to get out some of my journals and flip through them. I have a friend who is in pain. And I guess I just wanted to connect to her pain somehow.

I started a journal when I found out I was pregnant with Evan. I started that journal on February 21, 2005 with the statement “Positive pregnancy test and scared to death! Here we go again.” I ended the journal on July 9, 2005 with a few details of Evan’s memorial service and the signatures of those who attended. I wrote 15 pages in that journal during those 5 months. 15 pages to document a life. And some of the pages aren’t even full; just a few sentences. Evan’s ultrasound picture is on the cover. This journal rests in his box with his ashes and his footprints and the measuring tape they used to measure him. And that’s all I have of him. And I’m not “over” it. I’m not “over” him. There is a hole in me that will never go away. I try to hide it but it’s still there.

from May 9, 2005
“I love the idea of two boys running around the house in their little underwear with spiderman or whatever. I’m praying we get to meet this little guy. I think once I finally get him in my arms I’m not going to want to ever let him go.”

But I did have to let him go. And the world moved on like it should have and I had no choice but to move on with it. Because that’s what people expect. That’s what makes people comfortable. Eventually the world forgets. But I can’t forget.


6 Responses to “Evan’s journal”

  1. phillip Says:

    I’m not over him either.

  2. Andrea Says:

    I know it’s totally not the same, but I have not forgotten either. I love you guys with all my heart!

  3. Debbie Says:

    None of us have forgotten or gotten over him. We still love him and think of him a lot even though we haven’t told you and Phillip. Donald and I talk about him often, less than we think of him though.

  4. Amanda Says:

    Jenny and Phillip, Life is suppose to stop when something like this happens and unfortunatly it doesn’t. I didn’t know you then and I can’t relate, but I truly don’t think you do get over something like this as a parent. You wouldn’t be the people you are today without the events that have happend. You wouldn’t have the love you have for the kids you have if you were “over” it. I pray that God will help you not dwell on it all the time and give you peace, but in all reality I hope you never get over it.

    • Dedee Says:

      I will never forget that call or the helpless feeling…not knowing what to say or do….I will never forget sitting with you on that couch talking about Evan and looking at his little things….I know that I went home that day and held my family a little closer and loved then a little more….I know that Evan is such an important part of who you and Phillip are and how that beautiful brown eyed “angel” can to you…..I love you and though things move on, we haven’t forgotten ANY of those sweet little people we will not meet on this side of heaven! YOu want to go get a cup of coffee?

  5. Mom Says:

    Jenny, it was 30 years ago this month that I lost your 8-year-old brother Kevin in a tragic accident. That piece of me is still missing and always will be. I still have to allow myself time to focus on him, to think, to cry, to look at pictures and the little cards and notes he wrote to me. When people allow me to talk about him and remember him, it helps me, but most people never mention him and don’t want me to. He is one of my children, and I’ll never dismiss him from my life. I think often of Evan, of the day we held him, and all that you and Phillip went through losing those babies. You and Phillip have every right to remember and to share your feelings with the ones who love you anytime you want to.

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