What did your kid do this week to embarrass your socks off? Did she tell a stranger intimate details about your personal life? Maybe he broke wind (loudly) in public. Perhaps your angel child drew a picture of his or her school…on fire. Or maybe your beautiful daughter empties the clothes out of her dresser and pours cereal on the floor almost every day. Yeah, if you’re reading this, you know who you are. Well, you’re not alone. Welcome to Not My Child! Monday.
You know how some second graders still pick their noses? Gross, right? Yeah, well my son doesn’t do that anymore. But if he did, I would make sure to loudly say “Jackson, stop picking your nose.” no matter who’s around and no matter how stealthy he’s trying to be. I wouldn’t try to break him of this by embarrassing him in front of his peers. Not me!! Not my son!!!
Oh dear sweet Mikey DID NOT poop and pee in his underwear at Chick-Fil-A in the play structure….then refuse to come down!!! Jack did not have to go up there and force him to come down so I could deal with things. I sure didn’t then proceed to change and clean him up quickly and inadequately on the playground because I didn’t want to drag his disgusting fanny through the lobby!! We didn’t then escape out of there as fast as possible without notifying the Chick-Fil-A staff that they needed to disinfect!! (I called as soon as I got home. So hopefully they sent someone up there with some bleach.) Sidenote: Mikey poops at Chick-Fil-A EVERY SINGLE TIME we go there. I should have known not to take him in underwear. What was I thinking?
Jackson’s turn….let’s see. I just asked Jack if he did anything kinda dumb this week that he wanted to share. And he basically said that he did NOT do some kind of less than smart moves at the pool over the weekend with his grandparents. Apparently he did not accidentally do a flip in the pool and did not come out of the slide accidentally head first. Okay, I know that’s kind of weak but this kid doesn’t do a whole lot of stupid stuff.
Mikey totally didn’t act like a horrible insane child on Friday morning when I had to meet with a client in our house. He didn’t pull out all his big guns while she was here. I didn’t barely resist the urge to yell and spank him in front of her!! No my child!! He always behaves when I need him to. He doesn’t pick the most inopportune moments to act like the girl from The Exorcist!! Thankfully, this client is kind of a family friend and I *think* she was somewhat understanding.
Phillip and I decided that Jack now has an earning cap on how much he can earn doing chores. We kind of had to implement this because his precious grandmothers like to pay him $100 for 5 minutes of work. Okay, obviously an exaggeration but you catch my drift. So anyway, Jackson doesn’t keep reminding us NOT to tell his grandmothers about this. Jackson was not the one to tell Phillip’s mom about this deal. Jackson did NOT remind me yesterday not to tell my mom about it. I probably would have forgotten about it if he hadn’t brought it up. Genius.
We don’t have to remind Mikey almost daily that our yorkie is NOT a horse. He doesn’t point to the dog and shake his head “no” and say “horse.”
Jackson also doesn’t try to sneak onto his computer without permission. He doesn’t intentionally leave certain websites on the browser so the computer doesn’t go to sleep and thus doesn’t require us to enter the password so he can get back on. Not my child!
Jackson didn’t almost kill his sweet baby brother on the trampoline!
He was fine, btw
Mikey didn’t slide 30 puzzle pieces under our entertainment center because I told him to clean up the puzzle. When I pulled it out, I didn’t find lots of other goodies that he decided to place under and behind it. Not my angel child!
Other things my boys don’t do:
– drink booze
I think that just about covers it.