I’m up late tonight trying to finish up some editing on a NILMDTS session I had a couple of weeks ago. I have probably delayed finishing up these pictures longer than I could have, maybe longer than I should have. I’m still within the time frame I gave the mom but still I need to buckle down and get this done. But this is the hardest part of it. Being there with the baby was hard but I was behind my camera a good bit of the time. And I was in photographer mode most of the time. Getting the lighting right, positioning right, camera settings right.
But now I’m up working in photoshop of pictures of a baby girl who never drew breath. And it’s just not right. These photos aren’t right. They shouldn’t have to be. And as I work on making her little body look “right” as best I can, I know that she is already whole and perfect in her Father’s arms. What is taking me hours to try to fix is already fixed. She’s perfect. We don’t do this work for the babies. We do this work for ourselves and for the parents of these little ones. We do this work to try to mend as best we can our own broken hearts and hopefully the parent’s broken hearts too. And someday when we meet up with them again, we’ll all be whole together.
As I was packing up my equipment to leave this session, the baby’s sweet mommy let her guard for a moment. She talked to her daughter as a mother should talk to a new baby and she showed her a teddy bear. She danced the bear briefly in front of her baby’s face. I can’t get that moment out of my mind. As difficult as it was to photograph the baby and now edit the pictures, that moment just breaks my heart.
This world is very broken. And sometimes I just long for Heaven. I really do.