I was asked this evening if I blogged during the time that led up to Mikey and during our adoption process with Mikey. And that question has just had me laying in bed thinking. I blogged through all of it but there have been things, thoughts, moments that I haven’t blogged about. You can’t document everything and even as honest as I am, there have been things that I haven’t shared for one reason or another.
For example there was a moment with Mikey that I never blogged about or even told anyone about except for Phillip and maybe our moms. There was a time when Mikey was about 2 months old that we were led to believe by his CPS worker that his biological mother might get him back. I blogged about my fear during that time. But there was a day right around that time that I was kneeling above Mikey talking to him as he lay there smiling at me and I was just so struck with fear that they were going to take him away from me. And our eyes locked and I felt him say to me “I’m not going anywhere.” It was a powerful moment and peace filled me and I just sat there and cried. There were fleeting moments after that I worried a little but for the most part I knew that he was mine and that he would stay. And he did.
And I never blogged about it because it just sounded a little too “out there.” I mean seriously, my 2 month old spoke to me?! Come on. But that’s what happened. I’ll never forget that moment as long as I live. And for the last 2 1/2 years I have believed that it was Mikey’s soul speaking to mine, and maybe it was. But what if it was actually the voice of God telling me that He wasn’t going anywhere? And not to fear because He was with me.
I read the post of a mother who recently lost her baby to SIDS and she asked how we know when God speaks to us. Like how do we know that we’re not just making it up or imagining it. And I certainly don’t know the answer to that. But I think God speaks to us all the time if we’ll just listen and not dismiss it as something else. I really don’t think I ever considered that that was actually God speaking to me until this evening. Over 2 years later. How many other times have I missed it? Do I even want to know?