So I know I should be doing another Christmas update and/or writing about our 2009 year and all the things we hope to accomplish in 2010. And I’ll probably get around to doing that in the next week or so but right now the homeschooling thing is on my mind.
People sometimes ask me how it’s going and I’m pretty honest. I usually say that it’s going pretty good but we have days that it doesn’t go so well. There’s a bit more to it than that. I realize now that I had an unreal expectation of how this year would go. I thought Jack would LOVE being homeschooled. I thought I would be in a way his hero. I thought he would awake with great anticipation about what wonderful things he will learn today. And of course, that’s not how it has been at all. He pretty much dreads our daily adventures just as much, if not more, than he dreaded going to public school. I am not his hero. Sometimes I fear that we’ve actually grown apart this school year more than we’ve grown together. I feel like I spend the majority of my time with him threatening, bribing, and nagging rather than laughing, learning, and building good memories. I’m feeling very disheartened lately about the whole thing. I’m more convinced than ever that I will not be doing this long term. And sometimes I regret going down this road at all.
It’s not Jack’s fault that this thing isn’t working out all that well. He’s just a kid and I’m the grown up. I’m the one who’s responsible for making it work. And I just can’t seem to do it. I know that this is probably one of those hurdles that if we get past it, things will get easier. I know this is probably how a lot of homeschool parents feel the first year. This is the time when many give up. And I really want to persevere and come up with a plan of action that will work for both of us. But I know my weaknesses as a parent, as a teacher, as a human being and I just don’t know if I’m cut out to do this. If Jack’s going to hate his teacher, I would rather that teacher not be me.
So if you’ve been wondering how the homeschool thing is going, that’s pretty much it. I’m not saying that we’re quitting. I still very much want this to work. But I don’t know how to make it work. And I feel like I’m the only person who can make it work.
If you read my blog at all, you know that I post when things are good and I post when things are bad. I don’t do this to jerk you around or worry you unnecessarily. But that’s just life. Sometimes things are good and sometimes things aren’t so great. If I don’t post about the not so great, then the good won’t seem as good. Of course, I could lie and tell you things are wonderful but that’s just not my style. Anyway, I guess we’ll see how this second semester goes. I think I’m going to have to start doing things a bit differently if we’re going to be able to keep doing this.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6