I opened up your box today. I had to blow the dust off the lid before I opened it. I’m sorry about that but I know you understand. I think about you often. I guess I always will but it’s usually passing thoughts. Just little flickers of thoughts. I don’t usually hang onto thoughts of you. I feel sorry about that too but I know you understand. But today I didn’t let you brush through my memory. I sat with you for a few minutes and I cried a little. And I let myself feel the hole that is still in my heart and soul. I embraced that today just for a little while. And again now as I write this down.
I wanted so badly to be your mommy. And I know that I was…am…your mommy but it’s just not the same. Not really. But so much of who I am and what I do and why and how I love and what I’m afraid of is all because of you. I hope you know that. Just like your brothers, you’ve made me the mom I am today. And today, this Mother’s Day, I missed you. I missed you, Evan.